SMIRROR SATIRE: RE: Augustana University — The Weekly Campus TUPdate 

Do you know what time it is, Augustana? It’s weather time! 

Don’t put your winter clothes away just yet, because knowing South Dakota, we can still get a snow storm in May. 

We are expecting to get, like, four feet of snow with torrential freezing rain sometime in the next two weeks. Don’t ask for specifics. I am not a weatherman. 

Classes will still be held as per usual with no delays. I, however, will be staying home, sitting next to my fireplace, painting little army dudes. You guys will be fine. Cold and frostbite is only a state of mind. Think warm thoughts, but don’t be that one kid wearing shorts in minus 50 degree weather. 

I will not be attaching the National Service Situation Report for you because you are grown adults that can look up those things on your own. I will, however, be taking meme submissions for future emails. 

I will sincerely not miss seeing the dead-looking faces of students walking to the dining hall. I know it is that time of the year where everyone is sleep deprived and grumpy, but please stop asking for the cocaine out of the evidence locker. Enjoy your couple months of freedom that are just around the corner.

I don’t know about you guys, but I am ready for the summer to be here so I don’t have to see the weird little blonde gremlin following me around. She only takes bribes of caffeine and snacks. Otherwise she’s just a meanie. 

And if you really read this far, congrats. You’re nothing special. Also, if you see me around, I’ll be giving out free high fives. And for those who have seen the Instagram page dedicated to me and think I’m a model, at least try to get my good side. Just ask, and I might pose!

No hate mail please. I am a sensitive guy. 

Augustana University | Department of Campus Unsafety |  555.867.5309

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