Every year, the same things happen at the Oscars.
Did you even watch all the films nominated? I’ll be honest — I didn’t even know that Willem Dafoe played Vincent Van Gogh in an artsy fartsy movie about the painter’s life that came out in September. Of the eight films nominated for Best Picture, I have only seen Black Panther.
But I’m going to predict what will happen at the Oscars this year anyway.
First: the movie or actor you think will win, will not. They will lose. Life will feel futile. You will wonder why you even bother to care anymore.
Someone will use their victory speech to say something politically divisive, like global warming or walls or that pineapple belongs on pizza. Then, all people on planet Earth who have a Twitter account will take to the interwebs to criticize or celebrate said person.
Also on Twitter, you are going to find funny pictures of actors’ reactions that will become memes for the next month, until they are inevitably forgotten.
Someone will talk for too long and the music will play louder and louder until their voice is drowned out into the void. This will happen more than once. It may happen with every speaker. Depending on what kind of night you’re going for, you could make a drinking game out of it—take a shot every time someone gets cut off by music and the camera pans out.
The Oscars, like all awards shows, is a place where famous people show up wearing the most ridiculous clothes, or more accurately, random objects attached to their bodies that are supposed to resemble clothing. This means a wardrobe malfunction is bound to happen. I think it would be funny if Bradley Cooper ripped his pants like that iconic Spongebob scene, but I think it will be more likely someone will have a nip slip incident.
At least one actor will comment on how heavy the trophy is.
At least one actor will thank their parents and God.
All the women on the Red Carpet are going to be asked who they are wearing. All the men on the Red Carpet will literally be asked any other possible question. Someone will say something sexist. It sucks but we all know someone is going to do it.
There will be a scandal of some other proportions that didn’t already make it on this list.
Although, there will be one major difference this year: there isn’t a host. Kevin Hart was supposed to host, but after homophobic tweets of his resurfaced recently, he stepped down, and I think the Oscars are just going to replace his spot with different talent show-esque acts from The Avengers cast.
No matter what scandals take place, or who wins or loses, just remember that the Oscars are not a Nobel Peace Prize and the most important thing is that you enjoy live-tweeting the awards while plopped in front of your TV with handfuls of snacks, living the true American dream.