Smirror: Freshman found in service tunnels


A freshman was found this week shivering, begrimed and hungry in the tunnels below campus, according to a report from Campus Safety. He spent more than four months trying to find his way out.

Last December, freshman Noah Wicks went into the tunnels for his Semester Shutdown tour. He had no idea just how long his tour would be. 

Campus Safety officers found the wild-haired freshman wandering around the tunnels at 8 a.m. yesterday morning. He was “spooked like a deer,” according to the Campus Safety report.

“He sort of hurled himself toward one of the officers and was grunting when we first found him,” director of Campus Safety Rick Tupper said. “He was half-naked. He kinda looked like Tom Hanks in Castaway. He even had his own Wilson.”

Campus Safety was first alerted to the problem when his parents called and asked to do a wellness check. The parents had not heard from their son in an uncharacteristically long time and decided that they needed to make sure he was okay.

Officers Frank Finn and Roger Heinrich went to Wicks’ room in Solberg to make sure he was alright.

When they could not find him in his room, they began questioning people. They discovered that the last time anyone had seen him was Semester Shutdown. 

“We don’t go into the tunnels very often, but Semester Shutdown was the last time anyone saw him, so we figured we’d check,” said Heinrich.

After they secured the scene, the officers searched the tunnels until they found the lost freshman.

“The stench hit us right away,” said Finn. “A freshman boy who hasn’t showered in four months has a strong smell, and it led us right to him. His patchy beard was a sight as well.”

In the search for Wicks, many were questioned, including his roommate.

“What?” Jeremy Diggler said. “He was missing? You’re kidding. No, of course I didn’t notice he was gone.”

Jeremy later admitted that he thought Wicks had dropped out and that he was happy to have the pad to himself, so he didn’t tell anyone of Wicks’ disappearance.

Wicks is just happy to be on the surface.

“I’m just glad to be out of those tunnels,” said Wicks. “You don’t realize how hard it is to get your bearings. I didn’t know left from right. Nor did I get a glimpse of sunlight. It’s so dark down there. I could just feel things scurrying around me.”

Wicks said the tunnels were warm, but he was glad that he brought his winter coat, which he used as both a pillow and an imaginary friend.

“I had a Sharpie with me, so I drew a face on my coat,” said Wicks. “You know, like Wilson? Except his name was Columbia. It was nice to have someone to talk to, even if I knew he wasn’t real.”

However, the heat did push him to strip down to only a loincloth he shaped out of his t-shirt.

Wicks said it is better not to know about a few aspects of his survival story.

“What did I eat?” Wicks said. “You don’t want to know.”

He shivered at the thought of it all.

“I’d like to go take a shower now, if that’s alright,” he said.

He walked away in his loincloth across the green to Solberg, dragging Columbia by the sleeve behind him.

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