“It was just like any other Wednesday,” said junior Joscelyn Schipper, recalling last week’s events. “We had been in class for about 10 minutes when he walked in. The whole class fell silent. I don’t really remember much of class after that. It’s all a blur, but biology usually is always a blur.”
At around 8:10 a.m., Senior Football Boy Who Never Wears Pants (SFBWNWP) showed up to his Biology 110 lab on Tuesday wearing a pair of dark denim jeans and a sensible light jacket. After class the news quickly broke to the rest of the campus and has left students and faculty like wondering what led to the change.
Since the very first day his parents dropped him off at move-in, SFBWNWP has taken full advantage of not having a parent to question his outfit choices before leaving the house in the mornings.
Along with questionable grooming habits, SFBWNWP has realized he is the master of his fate and captain of his soul. It doesn’t matter how cold or how much snow is coming down, SFBWNWP has since made the brave choice to venture out in his basketball shorts and hoodie despite what his parents might have told him before.
Even when professors or other students looked at him with confusion, silently shivering to themselves, SFBWNWP would simply put his headphones in and remember that cold is temporary, but pride is forever.
Psychologists have found that this sort of behavior is a matter of power. The hierarchy is established on campus when the alpha demonstrates to the rest of the pack that they are resilient, secure and warm-blooded.
The alpha is someone who can protect their family from any physical harm while ignoring social norms and weather advisories. Behavior like this is usually followed by complete silence in the classroom. It may look like the alpha is in the back of the classroom scrolling through ESPN and dodging texts from people they met last weekend, but the reality is the alpha is observing their pack.
The alpha knows to never be the loudest in the room and knows the value of every word.
But when asked, SFBWNWP just said, “I don’t know, it’s just what I had clean.”
Some students on campus are having a hard time adjusting to the trouser shakeup.
“I personally liked the shorts,” sophomore Millie Wanous said. “It showed that nothing could bother him, and that is something I look for in a guy. I want a man that won’t be phased by anything—current events, other people, the weather, nothing. Just a guy full of stories from his friday night high school football games. That’s who I want to bring home.”
Nearly a week has passed since Pantsgate and SFBWNWP has since returned to his shorts and hoodie attire. Although spring is around the corner, students are left wondering if and when the pants will appear again. If they do, some are saying it may mean six more weeks of winter.
When asked to comment, President Stephanie Herseth Sandlin said, “I hope the great students of Augustana can adjust to this change with poise and open minds. It has been at the very heart of our Augustana tradition to welcome new experiences and empower thy neighbor. I am glad to see SFBWNWP finally able to walk amongst his peers on our great campus with warm calves. I am Stephanie Herseth Sandlin, and I am a goddess.”