USF grad succeeds, AU mourns
While Augustana may once have been top dog with a 98 percent job placement rate, confidence has recently been slashed—by a Cougar.
Chad, a 2016 University of Sioux Falls graduate, has landed a mid-level management position at the local Family Dollar.
With a BS degree in economics, Chad has become the first USF grad to score a job in his designated field.
Originally a repressed white male studies major at the University of South Dakota, Chad transferred during his sophomore year after being excommunicated by the Yo Gamma Gamma sorority. While USF did not offer his intended major, it did offer Chad a football scholarship “because he seemed gritty.”
“I knew that as soon as I heard this opportunity come knocking, I had to answer the door,” Chad said. “Being able to represent USF to its fullest capacity just makes everything that much more satisfying.”
Unfortunately, many Augustana students have not taken the news well.
When initial attempts from admissions to hide Chad’s job placement failed, President Rob Oliver was forced to take action, suspending the campus-wide ban on alcohol to help students “forget the days when it was no longer great to be a Viking.”
Admissions showed its support for this decision, assuring all incoming freshmen that each still-slightly-new microfridge would come pre-stocked with a six-pack of Ole Light, handcrafted with student tears in the basement of the Froiland Science Complex.
“It just doesn’t make any sense,” Tommy Malthus, a senior admissions ambassador said. “We’ve always considered USF as a natural means of controlling the surplus population of college students. Suddenly the system breaks and we’re left to pick up the pieces.”
Malthus also noted a subsequent 10 percent drop in applications to Augustana, correlating with Chad’s recent success.
However, not all news is doom and gloom. An increase in interfaith relations has evolved out of subsequent disaster.
Rob Haggar, allegedly a junior history and religion major, has re-established the church of his great-great-great grandfather, Bob Haggar, and his end-of-the-world teachings.
“It’s like God pulled through Chad’s application specifically as a sign for me,” Haggar said. “There’s no way that a USF grad could score more than a minimum-wage job without the second coming of Christ appearing sometime in the next year.”
Haggar has gained 27 members for his following and obtained funding from the Augustana Student Association to assist with travel costs to the Appalachian Mountains.
While they’re expecting the worst, Chad is reveling in his glory.
“I always knew that I made the right decision to attend USF,” Chad said as he stocked cans of off-brand tomato soup in aisle three. “They really prepared me for a career here at Family Dollar.”
Chad hopes to convince the real manager to offer unpaid internships to future USF graduates, serving as another blow to Augustana’s OG status.