If you haven’t heard, softball blew a 3-1 lead
Last weekend, Augustana softball travelled to Mankato knowing a tough challenge awaited in the form of the NSIC-leading Mavericks. What the Vikings didn’t know is that they would commit a vile, heinous sports crime.
They blew a 3-1 lead.
Summoning the spirits of Stephen Curry, the Cleveland Indians and Matt Ryan, they shocked the sports world in a way that hasn’t been seen since Mike Tyson spoke a coherent sentence.
The Vikings fell 5-3 and left fans wondering many things: Do the Vikings have the clutch gene? Would the infielders abort baby Hitler? Should coach Gretta Melsted be on the hot seat? Are Arby’s Beef n’ Cheddar still 2 for $4?
“At this point, I’m just here so I don’t get fined,” Melsted told reporters after the soul-crushing, mind-blowing defeat.
More could be said about the game itself, but its implications are what matter. Curry hoped the Vikings’ choke job would help sports fans forget that the Warriors urinated a championship down their leg less than a year ago.
“I’ll stop being annoyingly humble if you stop talking about us,” Curry offered the Smirror.
Back home, AU cannot fathom the defeat.
“One does not simply blow a 3-1 lead,” said Olivia Wolters, the losing pitcher in the fateful Mankato game. “I know as an athlete I’m supposed to say ‘that loss is on me,’ but it wasn’t my fault. We had a 3-1 lead. Fate screwed us over.”
The reverberations were felt across campus, spawning a slew of “would-you-rather?” games.
“I’d rather lose to Crookston than blow a 3-1 lead,” said a football player who requested anonymity for suggesting that losing to Crookston was possible.
ESPN and FS1were thankful that softball’s choke would provide them with no less than a month of talking-head coverage. Their dreams fulfilled, Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith couldn’t sleep. They had takes, and they couldn’t wait until the morning to unleash them.
Bayless sent a slew of Trumpian 3 a.m. tweets before finally concluding that AU “should’ve started Tebow.”
Not to be outdone, Stephen A. countered by saying that Tony Romo retired to avoid blowing the equivalent of a 3-1 lead, Tony’s calling card during his 13-year career.
“IVE GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING: TO-NY ROOOOOMO WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BLASPHEMY OF BLOWING A 3-1 LEAD, PEOPLE,” Smith said (or rather, electronically shouted).
Clay Travis was fired up and had a take in his holster before realizing that Colin Kaepernick was not involved. Travis still tweeted that he’d rather let Kaepernick teach a civics class than blow a 3-1 lead.
Members of the softball team expressed gratitude that the media’s finest sports minds managed to turn discussion of their 3-1 lead into bloviating about Tebow, Romo and Kaepernick. Despite the shocking outcomes of 2016 and 2017 sporting events, sports fans everywhere can count on the consistency of the takes.
“I’m thankful,” Melsted said.