The Augustana Mirror is not-not fake news. You could even say it is not-not-not-not fake news. And here is a pure, un-unaltered fact: the Mirror has a 102-percent chance of telling the truth.
Some might disagree with this statistic, but I am simply presenting alternate information provided by alternate staticians from an alternate political laboratory in an alternate universe.
We worship truth like our editor-in-chief worships Jerry Seinfeld. And that’s saying a lot.
We strive to deliver the truth in the most precise, concise, prompt, pithy, understandable, clear, succinct, comprehensible, informative and efficient manner.
Never would we publish stories with ridiculously-wordy-rhetoric-as-to-distract-from-the-real-issue-at-hand in our paper.
In this past year alone we delivered groundbreaking stories directly to your dorms.
Our biggest story of 2016 was our reportage of Bernie Sanders’ landslide win of the popular vote last November.
You may even recall our in-depth coverage of the big, beautiful lemonade stand built along the southern border as part of Sanders’ passed legislation mandating complimentary ice-cold refreshments to all crossing human beings.
We then sent student reporters to cover the Syrian War, which miraculously ended in one giant, loving and historic group hug.
And when the milk and honey began flowing in South Sudan, we rejoiced and wrote about the remarkable turn of events.
To put the icing on the cake, we published several reviews of David Bowie, Leonard Cohen, and Prince’s new album, which the three artists collaborated on together last month.
Of course, we also reported on humankind’s first contact with distant aliens who live in a solar system 3,000 light years away.
Though human eyes are blind to our space neighbors, we’ve managed to keep peaceful relations so far.
In fact, the aliens are even filming a movie featuring us! It’s a horror movie, but hey, we’re still the stars of the show.
What? You missed all that? You must have been reading the failing Cougar Chronicle. They report the fake news.
No, scratch that. They report very fake news. I mean, have you seen their stuff?
According to them, we have a grumpy, bigoted billion dollar Cheeto serving as president. FAKE.
Apparently, “La La Land” didn’t actually win the Oscar for Best Picture. FAKE.
And worst of all, Pluto was kicked out of the block party. To those darn cougars, Pluto is not a planet. FAKE.
Boy oh boy, how depressing the world must seem to those poor purple-hooded students.
Be thankful you are not one of them. Be thankful you have the Mirror delivering blissful, not-not fake news.
Shelly Anne Bonway is an unpaid intern who pretends to work by shuffling a stack of papers once in a while. We thought she looked bored, so we gave her the Penske File.